idle chit chat

I feel cramped.

I have the blinds open, and the sun is glaring at me. It feels good, but i know there is so much more to be had. I am typing out on here, as one of the few means that i still have, to express myself and have open communication with those around me. Because i have been sheltered for the past couple of months. I want to say that i've only been playing this silly game, and that's what it is, but i know that that's actually a lie.

Because when i do see, those of whom i call my friends, when they ask me how i've been, i get uncomfortable. I only want to tell them about my goals, about what i've been doing, but not about how i actually feel.

What do i say? How do you want me to answer that? Would you understand? I don't want to become a burden.

These are the kinds of thoughts that go through my mind. And that's because, i've been in a pretty dark mood lately. I've been getting frustrated and all, and i think i know what the right way is, the right path. But it's so difficult to go with that, and it's so much easier to have a narrative, a story. That you have you and your past, and that all that you do is about that, done because of that. And you tell yourself, it's just one more thing. It's just one more mistake to add on to my list of mistakes. But that's unhealthy. And all of which you tell yourself only becomes larger, and more uncontrollable.

So what's the deal. Why am i this way?

Well, perhaps its because i am still attached to all of that which has happened. Or maybe it's because i'm just flat out depressed. But from what i know, it's time for a change, it's time for something different. And not only in mindset, but in action as well.

I write this all out, not because i want to be heard. I mean, of course i would appreciate that, in the very same way that i appreciate whoever it is who is reading this. But for today, the reason i write is because i just want to put it all out there for once. If i'm not going to tell anyone about what goes on, then this is the least i can do.

And so, I can only hope that my words don't weigh as heavily on you, as they do on me.

But.

It's because it's easy to be tempted, and it's easy to give in. That's why. And it's easy to tell yourself what you've been telling yourself all of this time. It feels good.

But i've realized. It's far better to let go of it all. And that's what i should probably do now.

Because you are not that which has happened. You are only the you, the you who is here now. The you, who feels genuine concern, over the well-being of yourself, and of others. The you, who wishes that it was different, but in reality, is still centering around his past, his mistakes.

And so, it's time to let go of it all for once. It's time to be good to yourself, and to be kind to yourself. It's time to finally let go of that which you think is perfect, of that finely-tuned image of who you should and shouldn't be.

Because you don't have to live up to anything anymore. You don't have to keep pretending. You can become the person you want to be, right here, right now. This is why you feel the way that you do. There IS no standard, there is nothing that you HAVE to do. It's not because of that time, or that moment that went the other way. It's because of that which you've been telling yourself. That you aren't good enough, and that you weren't good enough. But the truth is, you are wrong. And i'm going to tell you that today, that you ARE wrong. Because you ARE good enough, Kevin.

So forget that. And forget about all of the experiences that have told you otherwise. You ARE good enough, and you deserve to feel that way.

So quit feeling so down. Quit moping around. Smile. Enjoy what you're doing. Because you're actually fortunate enough to be able to. There are others who are less fortunate and they're only trying to get by. Your issues are only in your mind. You have food and drink, you have good company, and all you have to do is sit around and play video games all day.

So yeah. It's not about your analysis. It's not about your worry. And it sure isn't about your issues. So go out there, have fun, and do what you love doing.

Be happy

0 votes

Comments (1)

We do what we do, not realizing our suffering. I tell you. It is that which turns and keeps all doing what we do. It hides, it binds. It is not for our good.

And so, why is it that we keep moving towards this direction. It is clear, this is not the path. For it is among the very failures that we have felt that have told us of our own shortcomings. It is futile, it is pointless.

And i wake up today, striving yet again. The same defeat i have once faced, is yet again, that of the past. I continue onwards on my journey, seeing the suffering, enduring the suffering.

Because i do not know or see past it all. That feeling of calm, of bliss. That was only temporary. It is not enough.

I am not enough.

0 votes

Comments (2)

It's been a long 14 hours, maybe even 16. I don't know, i can't really count right now. My wrist is numb, my back aches, and my fingers are sore. Hell, i don't even know what day of the week it is.

All i know is, i'm tired, and i want to go to bed.

That's what happens when you run these tireless, automatic programs in your mind for the entire day. It's all just non-stop clicking, and once you get it, you kind of get it. It's not high school physics, it's not university math, and it sure as hell isn't computer fucking science.

But for a suffering, ADD-ridden, post-college graduate, who barely made his way out of university due to his excessive habits of weed smoking, having to pay attention to exactly what your opponent is trying to do, and to try and counter his strategy as quickly as possible, is no easy task. It requires constant awareness and reassessment, and i now realized that it took about a full TWO HOURS after my session, to really calm down and go back to baseline.

So if i have to talk more about this game... this game of pennies and nickels... i'm going to go jump off a goddamned cliff.

I think it's time to take a breather. It's not all about making it to the top. We love what we do, we enjoy our freedom, and we channel our instincts. But at the end of the day, it's time to reconnect with our selves, the you that is you, and let it all go. And not try and rip each other's throats out on the other ends of the screen.

0 votes

Comments (7)